June 22, 2009

  • The state of myself

    Hello all.  I know I said that I was back, but of course circumstances change.  Here's the big news.  After 4 years out of 5 for a PhD degree in Neuroscience, a committee decision was made that terminated my graduate career.  I will be ending the program with a Masters degree.  Sounds awful doesn't it?

    I've been thinking about this the past couple of weeks, and to tell you the truth, I don't feel all that bad about it.  I mean, there is a twinge of disappointment, but I was adequately prepared for this news.  I had my suspicions, so it wasn't all that unexpected.  But what I really attribute my "stoicism" about this must have had to do with prayer.  Yep here we go.

    The previous week, I was just drained of energy.  I was sick and tired of being in limbo.  Was I in the program still?  Was I not?  There of course was still work to do, but for the entire week, I prayed about what the decision would be.  I know that I had put my best into the thesis proposal.  I've never spent so much time putting something together.  I left it entirely up to God to shape the outcome and surrendered to whatever that decision might be.  Now I know that God does not exactly work like that, but here me out on this one.  I neither requested to stay or leave the PhD program.  All I asked was that if it be Your will, then keep me in the program.  Of course it turned out that I was not destined to complete this program.  Oddly enough, a lot of the music I was listening to had to do with perseverance in the face of disappointment and despair.  I don't know if that's just my emotional needs being fulfilled by choices in music, but I'd like to think that it was some sort of preparation too.  I mean, it's not like I was purposely seeking out such music, but it just seem to coincide with a lot of the newer music that I've been listening to.  Strangely, in Sunday school today, we were talking about how the Benedictine monks have taken the Psalms and made them into prayers.  The Psalms were the "hymnbook" of Jewish tradition, so maybe in a way, the music I was taking in and singing out to was a form of prayer.  All this has shown me the power of prayer, but more importantly, the very idea of "surrendering all."

    You cannot imagine the freedom I've experienced since I gave up any control over my fate in my graduate program.  What's more interesting is that since I've found out that I am no longer in pursuit of a PhD, I've become much happier.  I'm not stressed out all the time and some people have noticed it.  I sleep better, I get to work earlier, and I'm more productive.  I'm back to a regular routine at the gym.  I feel strangely at peace...

    Add on top of that church today.  We talked about prayer and God's will.  In the service, a lot of the hymns had to do about the a peaceful state of being.  "Be Still, My Soul"

    Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
    Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
    Leave to thy God to order and provide;
    In every change, He faithful will remain.
    Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
    Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

    Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
    To guide the future, as He has the past.
    Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
    All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
    Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
    His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

    "It is Well With My Soul"

    When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.

    Refrain

    It is well, with my soul,
    It is well, with my soul,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.

    Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
    Let this blest assurance control,
    That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
    And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

    I could not help but think that this service, though for the general masses, pertained specifically to me, my situation, my state of being.  And although I have not heard voices from heaven, seen prophetic dreams, or had burning bush encounters, the outpouring of concern and well wishes from friends and family was the Holy Spirit at work.

    So what now?  While not as free as NPH's character in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, perhaps now is the time to turn my attention to theological matters.  As a friend commented in Sunday school today. 

    "We may all be bench players in baseball.  We still need to practice and workout, but there will come a day when the manager will call upon us to play."  I can just see it now...like in Field of Dreams....God points a finger at me and says...."Right Field."  Just what "field" am I going to be playing in?  I suppose all will be revealed in time.  I just need to be patient.