I was in the gym doing some bench press and of course at each rep I let out a small grunt.  It's not like a banshee wail as I've heard elsewhere, but enough to get me through the rep.  Scientifically, there is no evidence to suggest that grunting significantly improves lifting ability.  In fact, it has been said that proper breathing without grunting is as effective.  I'm inclined to agree, but psychologically I just seem to do better when I let out a small grunt.

Now, I've been meaning to put something up here about how other athletes grunt....notably tennis players.  Ever since Michael Chang stopped playing, I've haven't watched too much tennis, but I was pleasantly surprised by the latest Wimbledon match between Federer and Roddick.  It helped that it was the epic match of ever....but I was struck by how quiet the men were.  Back in the day, men did a fair amount of grunting, and to tell you the truth, they probably still do...if I tuned in more to other matches.  This is in stark contrast to how WOMEN grunt now.  I remember when women didn't grunt all that much....save for Monica Seles.  Her double sylable grunts were so loud that an opponent complained that they were distracting.

However, Monica pales in comparison to the test of abdominal will between Venus Williams and Maria Sharapova.  It sounded like the yells and screams were emanting from tortured souls from the 3rd circle of hell.  Ok, I randomly chose that number and maybe it's a bit of an exageration, but not by much.  It was just brutal.  I wonder if the same study done with lifitng would show the same results with tennis. 

I recently attended a wedding for two friends of mine.  They were gracious enough to allow me to participate by reading Scripture in the service.  I am not sure if that was the reason why this wedding felt different from previous ones that I have attended.  But, during the ceremony, I felt a sense of awe and wonderment.  Perhaps it was because the homily was well done, or maybe it was because I've reached some arbitrary threshold of maturity.  Regardless, this wedding was different.

As the pastor put it, we were not merely spectators but all participants in the ceremony.  We were all witnesses and pledged to offer our support for the union of two peoples, families.  Indeed, two is stronger than one.  I guess that is when it hit me.  I mean, I was honored to do the reading as my offering to the couple, but when the congregation in corporate response pledged to support the couple, that was when I felt moved.  Of course there was the exchange of vows, a beautiful moment, and by the tears shed by a number of bridesmaids and congregation members, the pinnacle of the ceremony.  Although I shed no tears, my heart felt strangely warmed in good Methodist fashion.  "Let no one tear asunder whom God has brought together."  Here, in the witness of congregation, the church, and God, I could not help but smile and feel decidedly.....Catholic.  I am Protestant and so marriage is not a Sacrament in the proper sense of the word, but it was definitely sacred.  There was no Eucharist, but there was the presence of God.  I now feel duty-bound to offer my support to the couple if they ever need my help....as any Lawful Good character would .

The reception was a blast, but I did restrict the amount of EtOH I consumed, which probably was the reason why I refused to dance, until I was convinced I should be having more fun.  The music did get better as the evening progressed, so maybe that aided my willingness to dance.....or not.  Nevertheless, it was an invigorating change from the dinner.  I felt oddly placed....sandwiched between two sets of lawyers.  I tried to hold conversation with these visitors to Chicago, but eventually subject matter ran out, leaving me with not much to say other than a few pips here and there.  At the complete opposite end of the table were the two non-lawyers who's conversation seemed much more interesting, but it would have been rather bombastic of me had I tried to hold any conversation at length during the dinner.  That said, this table seemed to be the only one to inconvience the couple with the power of clanging forks and knives on glasses of water and wine while they tried to eat.  It was really fun though.

The rest of the evening was filled with more dancing...and more EtOH.  It was highlighted by the fufilled request of "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey (promptly Dled into my Rock Band library the next day) followed by Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi.  I was amazed to hear that the DJ could not believe that we liked that kind of music.  Hmmm...Are we really that old?  Anyhow, there was some Young MC and I half expected to hear I Will Survive, but alas, this was not the Replacements soundtrack.  Otherwise, I would have been sure to be on the dance floor.
I can do a James Brown splits you know.

All in all, a fantastic wedding.  I really had a good time.  Many thanks to the newlyweds, and I look forward to some pictures from the honeymoon!

Hello all.  I know I said that I was back, but of course circumstances change.  Here's the big news.  After 4 years out of 5 for a PhD degree in Neuroscience, a committee decision was made that terminated my graduate career.  I will be ending the program with a Masters degree.  Sounds awful doesn't it?

I've been thinking about this the past couple of weeks, and to tell you the truth, I don't feel all that bad about it.  I mean, there is a twinge of disappointment, but I was adequately prepared for this news.  I had my suspicions, so it wasn't all that unexpected.  But what I really attribute my "stoicism" about this must have had to do with prayer.  Yep here we go.

The previous week, I was just drained of energy.  I was sick and tired of being in limbo.  Was I in the program still?  Was I not?  There of course was still work to do, but for the entire week, I prayed about what the decision would be.  I know that I had put my best into the thesis proposal.  I've never spent so much time putting something together.  I left it entirely up to God to shape the outcome and surrendered to whatever that decision might be.  Now I know that God does not exactly work like that, but here me out on this one.  I neither requested to stay or leave the PhD program.  All I asked was that if it be Your will, then keep me in the program.  Of course it turned out that I was not destined to complete this program.  Oddly enough, a lot of the music I was listening to had to do with perseverance in the face of disappointment and despair.  I don't know if that's just my emotional needs being fulfilled by choices in music, but I'd like to think that it was some sort of preparation too.  I mean, it's not like I was purposely seeking out such music, but it just seem to coincide with a lot of the newer music that I've been listening to.  Strangely, in Sunday school today, we were talking about how the Benedictine monks have taken the Psalms and made them into prayers.  The Psalms were the "hymnbook" of Jewish tradition, so maybe in a way, the music I was taking in and singing out to was a form of prayer.  All this has shown me the power of prayer, but more importantly, the very idea of "surrendering all."

You cannot imagine the freedom I've experienced since I gave up any control over my fate in my graduate program.  What's more interesting is that since I've found out that I am no longer in pursuit of a PhD, I've become much happier.  I'm not stressed out all the time and some people have noticed it.  I sleep better, I get to work earlier, and I'm more productive.  I'm back to a regular routine at the gym.  I feel strangely at peace...

Add on top of that church today.  We talked about prayer and God's will.  In the service, a lot of the hymns had to do about the a peaceful state of being.  "Be Still, My Soul"

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

"It is Well With My Soul"

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

I could not help but think that this service, though for the general masses, pertained specifically to me, my situation, my state of being.  And although I have not heard voices from heaven, seen prophetic dreams, or had burning bush encounters, the outpouring of concern and well wishes from friends and family was the Holy Spirit at work.

So what now?  While not as free as NPH's character in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, perhaps now is the time to turn my attention to theological matters.  As a friend commented in Sunday school today. 

"We may all be bench players in baseball.  We still need to practice and workout, but there will come a day when the manager will call upon us to play."  I can just see it now...like in Field of Dreams....God points a finger at me and says...."Right Field."  Just what "field" am I going to be playing in?  I suppose all will be revealed in time.  I just need to be patient.

sort of....it's been a brutal month, but I will start posting again.

I've been keeping an eye on the political fallout from the economic crisis.  Taking a 30% hit to your investment portfolio does that to you, but here are some observations.

1) No one knew the depth of financial disaster that would result from the past 30 odd years of financial policy.  True, it was greed more than anything else, but it's hard to blame companies if your competition is doing better because of it.  Ultimately if you don't meet the bottom line, your investors will be unhappy, so some of the blame lies with us investors.

2) The Republican party is not blame for this.  Democrats and Republicans alike are to blame for our current crisis.  Now, I will say that I voted Republican this past election, but I was hopeful that the Democrats would be able to bring about change.  I know things take time, but thus far, I am unimpressed and very disappointed.  It appears to me that the very ticket Democrats ran upon was political jello.  Firm, enough to get you through the election, but melts away under the heat of the angry American public.  It is ironic that the White House...and a Democratic Congress has stated that the "fundamentals of the economy" are sound.  It is ironic that Obama talks of controlled bankruptcy, a policy that is much more palatable to Americans now than if companies were allowed to fail, an idea espoused by Bush. 

3) Many of the Republican strategies are now being considered or employed.  The government buying up toxic mortgages?  Who came up with that idea?  How is any of this going to help halve the federal deficit when all the government does is spend?

4) Are equities still the place to put your money when it can lead to such financial disater?

So I'm going through a bit of a rough patch now.  I had a "chat" with my advisor today, and he came to the conclusions that I just don't cut it when it comes to graduate school.  The suggestion was that I find another advisor who can better deal with my "issues."  He's never seen a graduate student like myself. 

Well, that's kinda odd.  The last graduate student that I heard he had quit.  To this day I have no idea why he chose me as his student!  So it's on the verge of 4 years wasted that I write this, waiting for what will come tomorrow.  And then came this House episode.  What is the line that I remember?

"I want to have the surgery.  If there isn't a reason why all these bad things are happening to me.  That there is some purpose for all it.  Then I don't want to live."   or....roughly something similar to that.

This dissertation proposal has kept me busy, and I have not been able to pursue some of the discussions that I've been having with others here at Xanga.  So I'll leave you with these questions.  Is positive reinforcement a sufficient stimulus to move forward in life?  Or do you sometimes need some negative reinforcement to move you along? 

I've been away as some of you have noticed, but since it is Lent.  Here's a Lenten post!

So people usually give things up for Lent.  Chocolate, fried food, video games...etc.  Well, I for one don't give up anything.  I think that people give up things for the wrong reason.  It's funny sometimes.  I remember last year someone wouldn't got to a party because there was pizza there, and she had given up pizza for Lent.  I've heard people say I'm giving up XYZ because I want to lose 10 lbs.  Gah...really?? 

If truly someone is giving up something because of sacrifice AND the Lenten experience of temptation then I'm all for it.  But if someone is simply giving up something for the sake of giving something up?  That has no meaning.  Furthermore, it's the experience of temptation that is a part of Lent in the first place!  Avoiding temptation isn't particularly helpful in this respect. 

Alright.  Now for some heavier stuff.  This actually came about after some discussion about sin.  But...here are the questions I pose.  God does not tempt humans.  I number of passages in the Bible say that clearly.  However, God does test you.  Test  vs. Tempt.  One positive, the other negative.  James also says that God will not test you to the point of failure.  Ok.  So why do we fail so many times with temptations?  Was it the Devil?  Even if it was the Devil (the temptor as in Job), is not God indirectly responsible for the testing/temptation? 

For some reason, I have the trial scene from A Few Good Men going through my head.  "If your orders are always followed, and you ordered Santiago not to be touched.  Then why would he be in grave danger?"

Well, I got the proposal turned in....we'll see what happens now.  I can get back to more "important" things like...obsessing over whether I have time to play Empire Total War if I were to get it.  I have other blogs to catch up on, comment on.  I've got an Xbox gathering dust....and I'm thinking....right....now....I really want to buy a laptop.

Yes.  I have never owned one.  And....I'm thinking I really want a lots of power with the notebook....but there is no way I'm paying 2K for one.  See...that's where I'm in a bit of a conundrum.  AMD announced that they're going to release their new Mobility Radeons.  I've never been an ATI fan.  In fact I have a Nvidia card in my desktop right now.  But ever since AMD lost the perfomance crown back to Intel, I can't bring myself to buy an Intel product.  I know...I know...i7 is super powerful, glorious, and maybe....just maybe....if I was building a desktop I would spring for one.  But it too costs too much.  Seeing as how I'm going to be using a lappy far more than my desktop away from home, I want to be able to play the lastest and greatest....which means having respectable parts.  It's unfortunate that massively huge, heavy, laptops are going the way of the dodo...save for a few companies.  So, I guess that means that I'm stuck with buying a "value" lappy.  We'll see what vendors will come out with the new ATI chips though.  It sounds exciting....and...for now it saves me cash. 

Please excuse the He....I just tend to think in the masculine when I think about God.  I've been bantering back and forth with some fellow xangians about God.  I thought it important that I repost this because it sums up my current thoughts about God.  I won't edit it so here it is.

I personally do not believe in an unchanging, immoveable God, One, that just sets things in motion and watches.  A relationship with God is a dynamic one with each influencing the other.  In my mind, God created everything, aka your singularity, but God also evolves with creation.  Not just human life mind you, but everything that's been created.  The exact dynamics of course I'm not sure about, since each interaction touches off a reaction of complexity that we simply can not grasp.  However, humans are insignificantly complex when compare to God, and the fact (if you believe the Bible) that God desires a relationship with humans and is willing to work with us makes God worthy of worship.  There is a greater role that humanity plays.  We just don't know what it is though God does depending on how we act.  See, I also don't believe in a God that plays puppet master, ultimately knowing what will happen in the future.  I think God knows all possible events, but can only react to human choice.  Possibility A and B exist, but only after we humans tilt the probability to A does God hinder or enhance our course.  That's the reason for "heaven," a place for humans that have done what God wills, and "hell" for humans that have not.  I know horrendous things have been done in the name of God's will, but if we earnestly seek it then there will be a reward.

As for another "realm" I'm not sure what you mean, since I view God as being present now through the Holy Spirit.  If you mean in some other "realm" as Gnostics viewed God, then no I don't think God is in another realm.  If you mean spiritual "realm" then yes.  God is not hard to find, but you won't find him in some personified figure.  That happenned only once in history.

Finally, the a priori arguement is probably my weakest.  All I can say are two things.  1) if you allow for everything I've just said, then why not just take it one step further back?  The Bible says that in the beginning there was only God.  Why does that need an explanation if that's the beginning?  Why did he create?  Well, I like to think that creation is an instrinsic property of God.  That's what God does.  2) It's a matter of faith.  There may not be any good evidence, but I believe it to be true.  It has been pointed out that some have faith and some don't.  I tend to think that everyone has some small measure of faith, and that with proper prompting there's potential for faith to grow as people strive to find their place in the world and in God's creative design.

This was a question that was posed several weeks back. The general question is How does the Holy Spirit (HS) work?

1) When do you receive the Holy Spirit? The Bible suggests at a Pentacostal type experience.
2) Is the HS something that is within a person or is it an external force that works on someone?
3) Does everyone have the HS?

I will argue that everyone has the HS, but not everyone recognizes that they have it. Therefore, everyone has the HS within and is not an external force that somehow acts upon you. Rather, it is an inner working brought forth by the HS, recognized, and acted upon by a person. When you receive the HS, is a tricky question. As a scientist, I can not say that a dividing ball of cells is a human being. The logical extension then is a dividing ball of cells does NOT have the HS. However, the HS is not something that is given to Christians only, and so that justifying moment (to throw more Methodist doctrine at you) is not the time that you receive the HS. Neither is the moment of baptism the time you receive the HS. Infant baptism or even the Gospel John story of Jesus' baptism would seem to argue in favor of a specific, action oriented acceptance of the HS, but then I would say that the HS was working in Jesus before his baptism, and that the HS was working in people not baptized. So....when exactly? If pressed to give an answer, I would say AT BIRTH as a latent force waiting for action. The working of the HS is only fully attained when acted upon, which implies that conscious knowledge of right and wrong is needed. So, it's not that infants do not have the HS; they do. But the workings of the HS are not revealed until the person is spiritually ready. Just because you have the HS, does not guarantee faithful action. I leave you with this line from a baptismal covenant.

The Holy Spirit work within you,
that being born through water and the Spirit,
you may be a faithful disciple of Jesus Christ.
Amen.